Banding/Music Jokes

(Tuba) JOKE: Q - Why do bass players have pea-sized brains? A - Because alcohol has swelled them.

(Trombone) JOKE: Q - How can you tell the trombonist's son in the park? A - Because he can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.

(Flugel) JOKE: Q - Why is playing a Flugel solo like wetting your pants? A - Both give you a warm feeling, but no-one cares.

(General Music) JOKE: Knock Knock...Who's there?...Knock Knock...Who's there?...Knock Knock...Who's there?...Knock Knock...Who's there?...Philip Glass

Some notes on where the Sop player sits
(thanks to Alex for these)

Have you ever noticed how the soprano player is always located on the outside of the band, closest to the audience? This is good for many reasons:

1. If there is a fire you can make it to the door in time instead of being toast like the BBbs.

2. Nobody sits behind you honking in your ear.

3. If the solo cornets get mouthy you can direct a chastening blast beyond the pain threshold.

4. You can easily check out any cute babes/guys in the audience.

5. If you are hitting a really good high C you can turn toward the audience slightly and let it rip.

6. You can get out and to the parking lot after the concert faster.

7. Lots of room to your right for mutes, water bottles, cornet stands and a little table for your beer.

8. Being up front usually suits the soprano players ego.

9. If necessary you can give a disapproving glance to anyone in the band without the MD noticing.

10. If you have to go to the washroom bad you can get there first at the break.

11. same as #10 but you get to the bar first.

12. same as #10 but you get to the free food and coffee/tea first.

13. It's as far away as you can get from the Bass Trombone.

Brass Players' Real Rules of Behaviour
(Thanks to Alex again for these)

• Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
• Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to 'peak" too soon.
• If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
• Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
• Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
• Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
• Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbour to tell you when to play.
• Always play the 4th Horn cues, because he always plays yours.
• Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
• Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
• Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
• Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
• Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
• Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
• Never let anyone play louder than you.
• Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.

Please e-mail us...any further suggestions are welcome!

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