Band Players as Food Items (mainly) by PHIL DAVISON
Conductor
- A lump of cheddar = The big cheese.
Soprano - Jar of coffee = Gets you a bit
high.
Principal Cornet - Jam = Everyone has some
in their cupboard (rather like skeletons, but let's leave that
until we have time to put some photos on the site), it's generally considered
as a good thing, but often over-used and too much makes you sick.
Solo Cornets - Seasonings = Makes all the
difference between a piece tasting good, bad, or indifferent.
Repiano Cornet - A rabbit = Small and cute,
likely to make grown men go "aaahhhh", doesn't make much noise (unless attacked
by foxes). Well, in our band anyway; don't moan to us if your Rep player isn't
cute.
Second & Third Cornets - Various root vegetables
= Occasionally having a strong taste at just the wrong time, it is often hard
work to pull these out of the ground.
Flugel Horn - A shot of Grouse Whiskey =
Nice and mellow, yet useful in medical emergencies (at the time we had an ambulance-person
on Flugel; I freely accept that this is not necessarily a Flugel-player characteristic...).
Tenor Horns - Chickens = A nice flavour
(if a little bland), but likely to make more noise when they're talking than
when they are actually playing.
Baritones - Lard = A rather misunderstood
and maltreated food, these are actually rather important in any piece that involves
frying.
Euphoniums - Beef = The backbone of nearly
every meal, they provide a good textured main meat, but very occasionally will
be responsible for some unpleasant prion damage. *Euphoniums shortly to be
available on-the-bone once again*
Trombones - Curry = At the right strength,
or with a good beer, no problem. However, if too strong, it's hard to miss that
flavour.
Basses - Goldfish = You don't want to eat
them, but that three-second memory-span and the fact that their mouths are always
glomping open and shut make you wish someone would.
Kit Man Dennis - "K" lager = After a few
cans of this, you'll notice that everything is "swinging".
Martin Percussion Boys- Rhubarb & Custard
= One is plainly better, but you'll always find one following the other.
Please e-mail us...any further suggestions are welcome!